As a high schooler, there is an immense amount of pressure to find your way in life. And I, for one, am sick of it. I don’t know my ambitions, my passions, or “what I want to be when I grow up.”
Am I lazy? A little. Am I stupid? Maybe. But is that such a big deal? My whole life people have asked me what I want to be in the future. And until recently, it’s always been okay to have uncertainty about it. My response was always, “I don’t know… Maybe something in the ‘x’ field.”
Even that “x” tended to fluctuate, varying to many different careers over the years, including culinary, medical, and film studies. I have a tough time tying down my likes and dislikes. Sometimes I enjoy Math, other times I enjoy English. Sometimes I love History, and sometimes I love Science. I keep finding myself in this strange, lonely limbo where I don’t know what or who I connect with. And because of that, I feel ostracized.
So many people in my school have themselves put together, and know clearly what their goal is in life. I am jealous of that clarity. Because no matter how many movies and television shows tell me it’s okay to not know what you want to be at 17, society thinks otherwise. And being brown certainly doesn’t help. Before, when asked that unavoidable question at family gatherings, uncertainty was met with acceptance, maybe even approval. “Oh, you’re too young to know what you’re going to do for the rest of your life.”
But all of a sudden, when crossing the threshold of 16 years, it’s almost as if everyone came together and decided that I should just suddenly have my shit together. As if some mysterious fog that has been looming over my path suddenly lifted. Is that what’s supposed to happen? Because, guess what:
It didn’t.
I still have no idea what I want to really do. I still suffer from a lack of clarity.
And now the same response that has treated me well for years and years has suddenly betrayed me. It’s met with disdain. Don’t get me wrong, my parents are actually very open. They haven’t limited my options to any specific careers. But sometimes I wish they had. There are just so many jobs out there that it feels overwhelming. And decisiveness has never been a prominent character trait of mine. Maybe that’s a little insensitive. I will never know the struggle of not having the freedom to purse any career I want. But make no mistake, the struggle of having absolutely no idea what I want to do isn’t an easy road either.
These days, that “X” tends to be economics. I take AP Microeconomics in school, and I’m pretty good at it, in my opinion.
But is that really all it takes to choose a career? Being good at something?
Shouldn’t I feel passionate about and in love with my major?
Well, I’ve always struggled internally with this question. On the one hand, I think it’s important to enjoy your work to some degree. On the other hand, I acknowledge the unrealistic expectation that has been dumped upon us that we should be over-the-moon to go to work everyday. Ironically, I have yet to meet someone who is truly ecstatic to wake up at 6 in the morning every single day and go to work. Yet, for some reason, we are made to feel it’s a compromise if we don’t get our fantasy job. Our dream job. But at the end of the day, those jobs are exactly that: a fantasy.
I mean, which kid hasn’t wanted to be an astronaut or a police officer? But just because we fantasize about those jobs doesn’t mean we would actually be happy with those careers. As a kid, we cannot account for the level of training and mundane work that those careers actually entail. Okay, so maybe that’s a little unreasonable. As we get older and develop slightly more reasonable expectations, we can still have a realistic “dream job.” But from what I’ve heard, many people go to college hoping to do one thing, but end up doing something distinctly different than they planned. Nevertheless, at my age, most people are expected to and most do have somewhat of an idea of their aim in life. A slightly less dreamy “dream job.”
Somehow, that’s exactly what I’ve missed out on. I still haven’t discovered my “dream job.” But I still believe I would probably be satisfied studying Economics and working for a decent corporation. Maybe I wouldn’t love waking up each day more enthused than the last, but I think I would earn well and be able to take care of myself. Now, I am reasonably sure that some people would consider that a compromise. Like I said, I’ve struggled with this question, and always been on the fence.
Today, though, the side of the fence I’m leaning on is no. It isn’t a compromise. Finding some satisfaction in my work, though I may not be uber passionate about it, is ultimately my goal. As long as I don’t hate my job, I think I’ll be okay. And look, people ignore the fact that I’ve been going to school for years, and that hasn’t always been the most pleasant experience. But I’m doing fine. I find happiness in my family, in my friends, in my girlfriend, and in my hobbies. And I see no reason for them not to keep giving me that joy in the future.
Of course, I wouldn’t say I’m very confident in that answer. It seems to contradict a lot of what I’ve been told. But I don’t know, I just think that it’s going to be fine. Isn’t happiness supposed to come from within, and all that fun jazz?
So to conclude, I still don’t know exactly what I want to be. I don’t know my passions or my ambitions. But for now, I think I’ll just go with economics. I find it relatively interesting, and I’m not terrible at it. Overall, I just feel that economics may actually work out. Or maybe not. Maybe in ten years, I’ll be living unhappy and alone. How the hell am I supposed to know? I’m just seventeen.