This is America god dammit and we can’t even beat one lousy Chinese Virus. These nimrods who call themselves scientists can’t develop a simple vaccine (which we’ve been doing for hundreds of years). Worst of all, these people who call themselves doctors are telling us to stay at home. What if I can’t? What if I’ve got a family to feed? What if I’ve got a life to live? What if I need to be able to afford college for girls who are quickly growing up? You people call yourselves academics, but can’t even fight off a biological attack by Communists. Back when I fought in ‘Nam people knew how to deal with Commies: burn’em to the ground; that’s what. Now what do we have? A bunch of prissy snowflakes who don’t know how to defend against a foreign invasion. God bless America and God bless Donald Trump: that man has been sent as nothing but an act of love and care to this great nation. President Trump has the potential to single handedly solve this Chinese Virus, but the dirty Democrats keep getting in the way just like they did in Korea, ‘Nam, Afghanistan, and Iraq. So, as a proud member of this prosperous nation, I have as a private citizen – just like King Leopeld did before me – funded, experimented, and created a three step process to solve this epidemic. If this process is followed as given, I guarantee in one week the Chinese Virus will be eradicated. Now, before we get into what we have to do this three step plan will seem harsh but you have to remember: the means are justified by the ends. And if the end result is saving the lives of our children, our parents, our churches, our business’, our soldiers, our livelihoods then by God any means are justified. I will do my civic duty and protect my fellow American Brothers and American Sisters – will you?
Step one is rather simple: we must bathe in a substance that contains “hydrogen ions.” Now, this may sound scary, but in reality it’s not. Water, lemonade, fruits: all of these are rich in hydrogen ions. But, these things don’t have enough hydrogen ions to be potent enough to kill the coronavirus, so you will have to buy a liquid called “twenty molar HCl,” which is rich in hydrogen ions. Buy enough to fill a bathtub. Have every member of your family bathe in for exactly seven minutes – no more, no less. This will let the HCl kill all the pathogens outside your body and give it enough time to slip through your skin and enter your bloodstream. While in the bloodstream it will kill all of the Chinese Virus AND give your body essential nutrients, lower cholesterol, and significantly reduce the chance of cancer. For those of you who don’t want to bathe in some chemicals worry not: HCl is all natural and is found in lakes all of New Jersey’s east coast (unlike vaccines which are chemicals and cause autism). Step one is done! With this phase alone you are now coronavirus free and are protected from the Chinese Virus for the rest of your life! Onto the next step!
Step two asks a little more of you than step one, but bear with me: remember the people who we are doing this – children, our parents, our churches, our business’, our soldiers, and our livelihoods. This phase requires you to dine on human meat. In order to activate the HCl in your bloodstream to give you life long immunity from COVID-19 in the future you will need to eat just a paltry amount of meat – 4 ounces per person. That’s all – in comparison to what you will save it’s nothing! What I did and recommend you do is to choose one of your younger children to eat. Bianca was a plump little eleven year old, and she was more than enough for me, my wife, and two other daughters! Some children might object – the one to eat and the one to be eaten – because they don’t understand it for the greater good. In this case, what I did was spray a solution called formaldehyde over a rag and gently, but firmly, held the cloth over their mouth and nose – moments later they fell asleep. Oh! And on a side note if you are having trouble still choosing a child I recommend just picking the least intelligent and least athletic one. My little princess Bianca was sweet in life (in taste too), but she was never going to amount to much in life. Now, let’s keep going. In order to make the children edible we’ll need to send them to their Father in Heaven. To this take a knife with a serrated edge and cut perpendicular to the jugular vein on the neck; do this quickly and in a see-saw motion. If you see a large amount of blood steady flow out of the neck, you’ll know you did it right. Once the stream of blood is reduced to a slow drip you’ll need to prepare the meat to be eaten. To do this, separate it into four distinct components: thighs, breasts, wings, and the carcass. You can separate the meat from the animal just like you would do with a chicken; no special steps are required here. Next you’ll need to get the meat ready to be grilled – I personally favored the thighs but to each his own. Take your selected delicacy and thoroughly cover it in the following: olive oil, a pinch of sea salt, black pepper, cajun powder, garlic powder, some squeezed lemon, and anything else you’d like. Coat the meat in some herbs and leave it for two hours, so it can really suck in all the flavor. Next, set the grill to at least 135o Farhenherit – make sure to spray the rack with oil beforehand! Cook until you get those grill marks and the steak is cooked on the outside but slightly pink on the inside. We’re looking for medium rare here people! Anything else is just disgusting! Once you’ve got some juicy, tender, medium rare steak add a little salt and enjoy! Onto the final step!
The third step is simple: subscribe to this blog and donate any amount of money you have to it! Spread the word about this blog to everyone: friends, neighbors, co-workers – everyone! Any amount of money that is donated will be a big help! Every cent counts! It costs me an arm and a leg to keep this blog running, but I do it for our children, our parents, our churches, our business’, our soldiers, and our livelihoods. So please, lighten this burden on my shoulders by donating and spreading the word! May our Lord in exchange for grant you a Kingdom of your own in Heaven for helping me out!
This is Isaac Leopold signing off